One of the basic needs we all have is to simply be heard. We want friends to listen fully in order to understand our feelings and opinions. In order to do this, a friend needs to be proficient in active listening, where they not only pause to let you speak, they take in the nonverbal clues you’re giving them as well.
People are rarely good at listening. This is true even of our best friends at times. We live in a busy world, and the ability to put it all aside and focus on someone else is lacking in our society as a whole.
The problem is, friendship dies when one of the friends doesn’t feel validated. If you have a friend who constantly talks over you, here are some tips on how to handle it.
We have to educate people in how to treat us. Perhaps a friend doesn’t realize that talking over someone else is a bad thing. Maybe they grew up in a family where everyone interrupted each other and they think this is normal behavior. Perhaps they feel talking over someone shows enthusiasm, or maybe they really do believe they know better and don’t want to hear what you’re saying.
If this person has many long-time friends or one close best friend, chances are they have developed a habit of interrupting. This is true of solid friends who have known each other a long time and understand each other’s personalities. Interrupting gets more frequent and forgiven because they know their friendship won’t be damaged by it.
But even with long-term friends, there are times when one person just needs to remain silent and give their full attention to the other friend. If your friend’s constant interrupting is hurting your friendship [even if they don’t mean to harm the relationship], you have to let them know. If you continue to say nothing and instead get silently frustrated when they blab over you, you’re giving them the message that this is okay. So it’s up to you to let them know it isn’t.
First, start small with the obvious. Some things to say to stop their interruptions:
- “You’re talking over me”
- “Please listen to what I am trying to say”
- “Please hear what I am telling you”
Say one of these phrases calmly to give your friend a chance to take a step back and realize that the way they are aren’t responding isn’t acceptable to you. It gives a clear halt to the conversation that lets them know you need to be heard.
Some friends make a habit of interrupting which becomes part of their personality. If you’ve let them know you don’t appreciate it and they continue, you have to speak more sternly about it.
First, use specific instances when they have interrupted you. Don’t say “you always butt in” or “you are always cutting me off.” Give them an example of when they cut you off and how it made you feel. For example, “You talked over me when I was trying to tell you about my sister. I feel like you haven’t really heard what I’ve tried to say about her situation.”
Your friend may respond, “I know what you’re going to say, that’s why I interrupt” or “I’ve heard it a million times.” If that’s the case, ask them to please reserve judgment and really listen. Tell them that while they think they’ve heard it all, you don’t feel heard, and you’d like to be able to explain yourself without them interrupting you.
People that interrupt you all time have their own problems, but that doesn’t mean you need to point them out. Chances are that a friend who talks over you is insecure, afraid that their own opinions will be challenged. Attacking them verbally in retaliation isn’t helpful to the current problem or your friendship as a whole.
Don’t:
- Point out how many times you’ve sat and listened to them. [Chances are you’ve listened to them far more than they’ve listened to you, but they won’t see it that way.]
- Use the “always” phrase to describe their behavior. [“You always interrupt!”]
- Talk about the things they mention all the time and you’re sick of hearing. [Someone that interrupts a lot probably talks more about their problems than other friends.]
Interrupters aren’t just rude, they also get loud. The louder you might try to talk to be heard, the louder they’ll respond. This means you’ll both be raising your voices to each other and neither one of you will be listening.
Instead, back down. Remain silent, remove yourself from the situation [walk away from them or politely hang up the phone], and regroup. A person who repeatedly interrupts either isn’t aware of their behavior or doesn’t know how to really be a friend. This is especially true if they complain or vent to you but yet interrupt when you need center stage.
Spend some time away from that friend and limit conversations with them. Perhaps there are just certain subjects you find you can’t talk about, so you can see your friend and just avoid those topics.
Perhaps you find that they weren’t the good friend you thought they were. Where you needed someone to give support they could only hear their own voice. In this case, move on from them and seek out other, kinder friends who understand what give and take in a friendship is all about.
Most of all, don’t get angry with this person. Forgive them and understand that not every friend you meet will be able to respond the way you wish they would. Continue meeting new people and slowly showing your vulnerable side to the people you’ve developed trust with.
Your friend may not have any idea why you’re upset with them or why you’ve pulled away, so if they ask, tell them calmly why you’ve stepped back. Don’t use this moment to unleash your hurt feelings or anger on them, but tell them kindly that this issue is important to you and you simply wanted to be heard. [Here’s more about being gently honest with a friend.]
Remember that everyone has a different level of comfort with communication and even friendship. Your friend may fail to see the issue even after you explain or even find your feelings “silly.” Allow them their feelings and move on to share your stories with another friend who will care enough to listen.
Everyone wants to be heard. Sometimes it can be hard to get people's attention, or get above the noise. There's nothing worse than having a conversation with people and feeling like you are the only person involved.
If you often feel like you are talking to yourself in conversations and meetings, it’s possible you are the problem. Granted, few people are great listeners, but you might not be giving them the reason to listen. Or worse, you might be shutting them down in some manner.
Here are a number of communication offenses that make people close their ears and brains in conversation. They are easy to recognize and remedy. Today is a great day to start.
I'm not really sure why human beings are capable of whining. It doesn’t really serve a useful purpose for the whiner. On the bright side, your whining loudly tells others that you are a pain to work with and they should beware. You might choose a more stealth approach to getting your point across.
2. You're thinking or speaking only of yourself.
Communication is an interaction between multiple people and you are violating the rules by being narcissistic and self-absorbed. Make your communication empathetic so you can engage the others emotionally. Save your self-interest for your Facebook page.
If you go on and on in a redundant manner, not only will your audience be bored to death, but they can't engage in your story or anecdote. At some point they will just tune out. Break up your droning and cut the long-winded speeches.
When people are speaking, cutting them off mid-thought will not only distract them, it will likely offend them. Then, instead of listening to your new thought, they will be busy thinking about what an insensitive jerk you are. Even if you are a fast thinker, you may not actually know what others will say. Take notes with your own thoughts and give others a chance to finish.
5. You begin with, "Actually, you're wrong."
You may as well just put someone in a soundproof booth. When you belittle someone's thoughts or ideas, you kick-start their inner voice. Their brain will now try to figure out how you are wrong and why you are such a mean person. Give their idea consideration and let your position stand on it's own merits.
When you call the cavalry too many times, no one believes a word you're saying. All the drama you've created is like a repellent keeping people away. Worse, you've lost credibility for when there is actually an important message you need to get across.
7. You don't care about what you're saying.
People can tell when you are dispassionate about your ideas and thoughts. If you don't feel excited and energetic about what you're communicating, what's the point in saying it? Save your talking for the times when you have conviction.
8. You don't know what you're saying.
Knowledge is easily accessible these days. People can readily tell when you are communicating beyond your expertise, and they are not afraid to call you out on it. Most times they will just shut you off in their head. Show discretion. Be the expert when you can and learn from others when you can't.
Where was I? Oh yes, when you are trying to get a point across, people are following you. If you lead them off track, they will likely stay there. Slow down. Think through what you want to say. Then say it succinctly and with purpose instead of bouncing around.
10. What you are saying is insignificant.
Some people talk and talk about nothing in particular just to hear themselves talk. That's fine — if you are only interested in talking to yourself. Useless chatter will drive away people who value their time. Ask yourself if what you have to say is truly important. As Gandhi asked, "Does it improve upon the silence?" If not, leave it unsaid.
11. What you are saying is irrelevant.
If you enjoy irritating people, just interject random thoughts into important conversations. People are constantly evaluating your intelligence by what comes out of your mouth. Don’t give them a reason to lower their opinion. Contribute to the conversation in a productive manner that moves it forward.
12. You start with, "I'm sorry . . ."
Unless you actually offended someone, beginning your statements with an apology is like apologizing for your very existence. I have been told that women in business do this far more than men. Be strong and confident with your communication. When your words and presence add value, you don't have to apologize. [Canadians of course are forgiven for this due to cultural habit.]
13. You don't hold up your end of the bargain.
People listen to people they trust. If you tell them you will do something and don’t do it, they have no reason to listen to you ever again. Walk your talk. People who say one thing and do another are either hypocrites or liars, and either way they forfeit their right to be heard.
14. You never take action on what you hear.
Most people want to connect with people worthy of their time. Do your part. People who contribute little of value generally won’t earn the time and attention of those who contribute much.
15. You're always negative.
Many find rampant pessimism to be demotivating and painful. You don’t have to be a cheerful optimist all the time, but if nothing positive comes from your lips, people won’t be interested in much you have to say. Find the bright spot and share it, even if you have to accompany the downside.
16. What you say is trite.
There is nothing wrong with a cliche here or there, but if your entire conversation is derivative drivel then people will just move on and find something fresh. Find some new stories and sayings to make your point. People always listen to those who can keep their attention with surprise and excitement.
17. You never listen to anyone else.
Effective communication is a reciprocal process. If you aren't an active listener with the people around you, then they will feel little obligation or desire to listen to you. Make your active listening to the other person your first priority. You'll be surprised then how often you are invited to share your opinion with an attentive audience.