You just made the list Stripes

Voila! Finally, the Stripes script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of theBill Murray army movie starring Harold Ramis, John Candy, Sean Young, etc.. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Stripes. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts! This is the Army. It's learning how to be a soldier. And how to be much more. It's cold streams that chill your bones and a hot meal to warm you up. It's softball and low bridges. It's a hundred ways to prove yourself. This is the Army. If you'd like to be part of it, call this number. That's my philosophy, $ shine on a $ pair of boots. Yes, sir. I don't think I've ever been this happy. - Thank you so much. - Thank you. I got a nice, warm cab right here. You sure? - Let's go. City centre. - Hey, let's go, man. Thanks for the ride, pal. Shit! God, I thought that was a dog around your neck. If that's humour, don't bother. I want to be taken to the airport. Be very careful with the bags. Don't scratch them. Allow me. Thank you. Would you be careful with those? Madam, perhaps you'd like to eat your luggage. I'm in a hurry. Oh, my balls. Oh, my balls. Good morning. This is Basic English. My name is Russell Ziskey... ...and I'm gonna be your instructor for the next five weeks. I want you to call me Russell, and I'm gonna call you by your first names... ...because I would have a tough time pronouncing some of your last names. Okay, I know you're anxious to jump right in and start speaking English... ...but there are a couple of things I need to know first because... ...I've never done this before. So how many of you would say you speak English fairly well... ...but with some difficulty? A little English? Yes, you speak some English? Son of bitch. Shit. Son of bitch. Shit. I've never gone this way before. I'm sure there's a lot of ways I've gone that you haven't. What is your name? John Ringer? What kind of a name is Ringer? Winger. I'm adopted. I spent most of my life in institutions. Doesn't surprise me. You look like a typical lowlife character to me. Actually, I'm a photographer. I took this job because I love people. There's nothing I enjoy more than meeting someone like yourself... ...and getting to know you, then taking photos of you while I drive. Will you stop?! Turn around! Watch the road! Stop with the pictures! Thank you so much. Aren't you going too fast? No, it's not the speed really so much. I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning. Oh, my! - We're going to be killed! - Oh, no. - Just keep your hands on the wheel! - Not killed! Not killed! You... You should have your license taken away. I am going to write your name down... ...and see that it's given to the proper authorities, G-E-R. You're a bum! And that's all you'll ever be, a bum! Well, that hurts, ma'am. And I don't think I want to take your abuse. I know I don't want to take you to the airport. How about that, huh? Hey, move that cab, buddy! Hey! You can't stop in the middle of a bridge! Would you get back in the car?! Okay. That's really very good. I'd like to try just one more time... ...and then we'll call it a day. Okay, great, great. All right, we'll see you next week. We'll learn some new tunes. We'll have a great time. Bye- bye. Bye- bye. That's my car! - Hey, man! - Instant Finance. You're late on the payments, pal. It's me. - John, is that you? - Yeah. - Did you remember to get my dress? - Yeah. Hi, baby. You're home a little early, aren't you? - Yeah. - How was your day? Fine. I got you a pizza too. I had a real bad day. Yeah. Yeah, I bet you did. I quit my job. I just can't take this anymore. I know. I gotta straighten out. - This is ridiculous. - Right. That's what you said last week. You know, how much can you straighten out in one week? It hasn't been a week, John. It's been six months. Nothing's changed. You sleep in till noon, then you watch Rocky and Bullwinkle. Then you drive your cab, what, a couple hours? You come home, you order out food... ...and then you play those stupid Tito Puente albums until in the morning! Tito Puente is gonna be dead, and you'll say: "I've been listening to him for years. He's fabulous." Then you watch movies until dawn, and then... ...then you come to bed with me. You don't think that takes energy? You're a sexual dynamo. Most guys couldn't even handle you. I've been reading books on the outside so I can keep up with you. It's not funny. You're going nowhere, John. It's just not that cute anymore. It's a little cute. Come on. I'm part of a lost and restless generation. What, you want me to run for the Senate? I don't know what I want. I just know that I don't want you. So the basic problem is that I'm still around? Where's that sharp knife we have? Anita! I need you. Come on, John. I knew that wasn't gonna sound good. - Anita. - No. John, no, it's not gonna work. I like you, but I need something more. I need somebody who's gonna develop with me and grow. Goodbye. - Who could grow more than me? - Goodbye. Talk about massive potential for growth. I am the little acorn that becomes the oak. You can't go! All the plants are gonna die! And then depression set in. Go away. Hi, John. What's the matter with you? Nothing. Nice shot, John. Need a little help. Hey, can I take your last beer? - No. - We'll split it. I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours... ...I've lost my job, my apartment... ...my car and my girlfriend. You still have your health. Hey. Yes, thank you. Toss that up here. Yo. Here we are, my man. All right, come to papa. Toss that thing. Let's go. Jeez. Thank you. The Army can make you feel a lot of ways: - Tired, challenged, trained and proud. - This doesn't look bad. What, the Army? You're kidding. No. I've always thought about joining the Army. Bullshit. You're not the type. What do you mean, I'm not the type? I've seen the kind of guys that enlist in the Army. I saw them when I was working on unemployment. They're like us. Except they're not as sophisticated. Yeah, they're not as old either. I bet you can't do five pushups. Five pushups? I got $ says I can do five pushups. Okay, let's go. Five good ones. Come on. - Not Marine pushups. - No, simple pushups. I've never heard bones creak like that. That's none. - I'm praying. - You ought to. Let's go. There's a time limit here. He's almost set. He's eyeing that rug. And that's one. All right. He's off. He's moving now. That's two. Not that good though. That's three. I think you're ready for the Special Olympics. That's three. - That's four. - Four. I was testing you. And here goes five. Will he do it? Congratulations. You just doubled your money. I gotta get in shape. I gotta dry out, or I'll be dead before I'm . The Army's my only chance. You could join a monastery. Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls? - Never. - So much for the monastery. Brew. - Thanks for splitting it. - No problem. You're welcome to stay at my place if you want. Pretty much got that roach problem licked. I'm going Army. You've got some warped idea about the Army. You think it's like a health club with neat uniforms or something. I go in the Army, they turn my body into a dangerous weapon. They make me a black belt. I'll come out a human killing machine. I think we should go to California again and pick fruit. - They give you money. - Who? The GI Bill. Borrow all the money you want. Will you shut up about the Army? You borrow the money, you buy a Winnebago. They ship it anywhere you want. You get lots of travel. Kathmandu, guaranteed. Yeah, dysentery guaranteed. I'll be over there in Nepal with those monkey- head chicks. They'll all be hitting on me. "Hey, John... ...thanks a lot for keeping the Chinese off our backs. We appreciate it. Is there anything we can do for you? Oh, and by the way, handsome... ...we've never been in a Winnebago." You figure it out. You ever heard stories about the gratitude of the Nepalese people? - No. - They'll probably teach me to levitate. A black belt who can levitate. - With a Winnebago. - Check, please. I can see you've got this all figured out. You're nobody's fool when it comes to your future, John. I'm falling apart here. All I've got are a lot of bad habits and a lot of bad debts. I need some heavy discipline in my life. You know who would be incredible in the Army? Who? - You. - Get out of here, I'd hate it. You would be, man. You could go right into Intelligence. - I'm not going in. - You could be a commander. You could probably be a general in a year. I mean, Charles de Gaulle was a general. You're smarter than him. That guy was like a member of the steel- plate club. I ought to run right down there and join up, huh? Well, I was gonna go over there. We could use your car. - We'd have to, wouldn't we? - Yeah. You coming in? Hey, this is a loading zone. You can't park here. We're not parking it. We're abandoning it. I can't believe we're doing this. Listen, if I get killed, my blood is on your hands. Just don't get it on my shoes, okay? Hello? I'm not saying that the Army will be able to do for you what it did for me. All I'm saying is you get out of it exactly what you put into it. Now, sometimes the Army's your best shot. There's some questions I have to ask. They're a little personal. Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanour? That's robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing? - Convicted? - Yeah. - No. - Never convicted. That's good. Good. Are either of you homosexuals? You mean, like, flaming or...? Well, it's a standard question we have to ask. No, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn. Yeah, would they send us someplace special? I guess that's no on both. All right, now if you'll just give Uncle Sam your autograph here. "Sammy, get well soon." That's good. Now your name. Can I talk to you for a minute? I was wondering if you... Are you... ...you know, holding? - No, man, I'm not. Well, I was wondering if you could hold something for me. What, are you smuggling furs or something? Drugs. Excuse me. General Hansen? No, I'm not a general, but may I help you? Yes. I want to thank you for saving my life over in Vietnam. - I don't think that was me. - You're right. It was Normandy Beach. I was shot up pretty bad. You grabbed me, pulled me into a foxhole and patched me up. I don't think so and I don't care and I don't have the time. - See this arm band? MP. - Yes, ma'am. Stands for military police. Are you on one of these buses? Not yet, ma'am. My job is to see that big, strong men like you... ...get on these buses without getting lost. So why don't you just move along and get on the bus. Did you check him off, Louise? You know, there's a strip search before you get on the bus. - Really? - Yeah. Be careful, man. So, what, I guess we dig each other... ...and we'll be seeing each other around the officers' club? Watch out for this guy. He's a troublemaker. - Do you have your papers? - Yes. Here. What happens if I refuse to get on the bus? You look like a sensitive, intelligent guy. Don't make me shoot you. Climb aboard, soldier. - What do you think? - I hope we don't go to war. Excuse me, stewardess. Is there a movie on this flight? - Bus. - A movie on this flight. Inside. Off the bus. Off the bus. Right on inside. Move it out, son. Move it out. Move it out! Off the bus. Right on inside. Sergeant Hulka. Yes, sir? At ease, sergeant. I'm Captain Stillman, the new company commander. Pleased to meet you, sir. Fine- Iooking group of men, wouldn't you say so? Boy, I hope this is the mess hall. How's it going, Eisenhower? Yes, sir, a fine- Iooking bunch of men. Yes, well. Get them inside... ...and carry on, I guess. I'll be in my office if you need me. Yes, sir. Inside. Have that removed, corporal. Move it out! Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further... ...we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you... ...you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one and the same. Uncle Hulka? When I tell you to move... ...you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump... ...you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what colour you are... ...I don't care how smart you are or how dumb you are... ...because I'm gonna teach every last one of you... ...how to eat, sleep... ...walk, talk, shoot, shit like a United States soldier. - Understand? - Yes, sir. I didn't hear you. - Yes, sir. - Yes, sir. You don't say "sir" to me. I'm a sergeant. I work for a living. - Yes, sergeant. - I didn't hear you. - Yes, sergeant. - Now that's what I wanna hear. You think this guy's overdoing it a bit? You got a problem, boy? No problem, sergeant. On your feet, boy. What's your problem, boy? I was just making a joke, sergeant. Well, why don't you tell me your joke, son? I don't think you'd think it's funny, sir. Sergeant. How do you know? I got a hell of a sense of humour. Ain't I, Corporal Briggs? Yes, sergeant! Corporal Briggs, we have a comedian in our midst. Will you take this comedian outside... ...and watch him do pushups. Get your goat-smelling ass out of here! Move it! Hut, ho, hut! Anybody else want to be a comedian in here? - No, sergeant. - I didn't hear you! No, sergeant! Shut up! Just shut up, will you! - I didn't mean it. - How come yours is so long? Fifteen and a half. Thirty-three. Forty-two. - Thirty-seven. - Thirty-seven? Step down. Grab your papers. These are s, and they're loose. I gotta live with ? Sergeant Hulka? I'm sorry about what happened at the meeting. I certainly meant no offence by it. It won't happen again. Keep it moving! Let's go! - Think he bought it? - No. Boxer or jockey? You got something in a low-rise bikini? Mesh, if possible. So where you from, Tex? Don't you ever touch me again, ever. This is pretty sweet. Free clothing. Look at this stuff. Chicks in New York paying top dollar for this garbage. How about that lunch? What was that brown stuff? All right, men, fall in alongside this roadway in a column of two. Fall in! Move it! Move it! Hi. Move it! You know something, soldier. I've noticed you're always last. - I'm pacing myself, sergeant. - Move it! Sorry. Left face! Left, right, left, right. You stand in place. Forward march! Hey, we're walking. Left, right, left, right, left, right. My name's Howard J. Turkstra. I'm from Kansas City. My hobbies are fast cars and fast women. Because... That's why guys in my car club call me "The Cruiser." Should call him "The Dork." Knock it off. Go ahead. I joined the Army because my father and my brother were in the Army. I thought I'd better join before I got drafted. Son, there ain't no draft no more. There was one? What a jerk! Next. The name's Francis Soyer. But everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you. You just made the list, buddy. And I don't like nobody touching my stuff! So just keep your meat hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos... ...touch me, and I'll kill you. Lighten up, Francis. You're all in this together. One of these men may save your life one of these days, understand? Then again, maybe one of us won't. - You, go ahead. - Me? Yeah. My name's Dewey Oxberger. My friends call me Ox. You might have noticed I've got a slight weight problem. - No! - Yeah, I do. Anyway, I went to this doctor. Well, he told me I swallowed a lot of aggression... ...along with a lot of pizzas. Pizzas! I'm basically a shy person. I'm a shy guy... ...and he suggested taking one of these aggression-training courses. You know, these aggressive- training courses like EST, those type of things. Anyway, it costs bucks to join this thing. Well, I didn't have the money. And I thought to myself, "Join the Army. It's free." So I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds. You got a six- to eight-week training program here, a tough one. Which is perfect for me. I'm gonna walk out of here a lean, mean, fighting machine. - Good thinking, Ox. Real good. - It is. Ziskey. I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger... ...unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'll make... ...but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into real heavy combat... ...I'll be right behind you guys every step of the way. Okay, Mr. Pushups. Let's hear your story. Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear... ...and when I do, it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. It's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination. Lee Harvey... ...you are a madman. When you stole that cow... ...and your friends tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. The two of us together, forget it. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An Army without leaders is like a foot... ...without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be there... ...to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause... ...to our newest, bestest buddy... ...and big toe... ...Sergeant Hulka. Well, okay, hotshot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are. Reveille is . We're gonna fall out with locker boxes... ...and we're gonna have a locker- box inspection. And then we're gonna do miles, rain or shine. So you better hit them bunks, my little babies... ...or Sergeant Hulka with the big toe... ...is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass. Out of them bunks! We got a full day ahead of us. We're gonna start out with a five- mile run. I know I'm speaking for the entire platoon when I say... ...this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested. Well, I'll tell you what, soldier. Let's make it miles. Any more complaints? Thanks a lot, Winger! Nice going, asshole. You're making friends fast around here, John. Oh, my... Oh, my God! Mama! Captain Stillman. Major Ellis would like you to look over these interim reports, captain, sir. Interim reports! That's all I ever do around here. I want some action! Hold that, corporal. Oh, look at those men. Are those my men, corporal? No, sir. Those are Captain Benton's men, sir. Well, where are my men? Let's see. Sergeant Hulka is on the confidence course. Sergeant Crocker is on the mortar range. Terrific. Corporal, bring up the jeep. Yes, sir. Grenade! Go get them! Those are damn fine men. Are they in my company? No, sir. Oh, here come your men now, sir. Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! Stand up when I'm sticking you, boy! Get down and give me mother! Come on! I'll walk on your ass, boy! I was killing... Fifteen, ... Twenty-seven, ... Wait a minute. - You got the light one. - Yeah, my mistake. - Yeah. - Here, let's switch. - I kind of thought it was a mistake. - I got it. It's real heavy. This one's light. Stand out of the way. Fall out! - Stop! Fall in! - Hey, sergeant, it's raining. Sergeant, I think it's a bad idea to march today. You know, this is the cold and flu season. Fifty-one, ... - When's the good part, John? - This is the good part. Get your butt down, soldier. You'll get it shot off someday. Move it! Move it! You all right? I should've kept my head down. I learned a lot of things today, John. I've never felt more alive in my whole life. I think this is the greatest day I've ever spent. And I want to thank you for making me join the Army. Get me out of here. I'll take care of you. Going south today? All right. - So, what are you taking? - Oh, I got these from Elmo. I told him I get sick when I fly. I think they're Dramamine. These are Elmo's microdots. That's acid. John. - John, I took a lot of these. - How many? Well, one just now and one in the barracks. Two in the jeep. - Two when we got out of the jeep. - Oh, no. Six hits. What a tragedy. Hey. Hey. We're not gonna let you drive now, you sit right down here. Buckle up here, cowpoke. Stow your tray table in the upright position, will you? You're gonna be just fine in about hours. It's gonna be kind of weird till then, but... The plane's coming apart. Hello! I'm Captain Hollister, Special Operations Group. Who are you? - I'm Major Dodge. - Captain DeSoto. Pleasure to meet you, Hollister. Heard a lot about you. Well, I never heard of you. And you're not on my roster. That's just the way we like to keep it, captain. It's double double top-secret. - Intelligence? - Some. Anything I could tell you would be a lie, captain... ...so how about we tag along with you to your destination... ...and then we'll go our separate ways. Dismissed, captain. Okay, major, let's go! Go! Go! Russell! They're all going backpacking, John! Go! Go! Go! The important thing is not to panic. We should, like, build a shelter, I think. Then we make some stone tools and we can cut some spears and arrows. Because tonight we're gonna go out and kill a wild boar. And then we're gonna dry the meat for travelling. And in the morning we can chop down a big tree... ...and make a dugout canoe. And we could find a river that'll probably run down to the ocean. If we're lucky, we'll drift into one of those major shipping lanes... ...we'll probably get picked up in a day or two by a Liberian freighter. What do you think? I think we should find a hotel room. That's a good idea. Hello! I think some of these plants are edible. - Yeah. - Not that one. I think we might have to settle for a motel. - This looks like a main road. - Oh, yeah, this is the interstate here. Yeah. We just find a gas station, they'll tell us where all the nice... What a rush. The sky is brown. Hi. Thank you. Sit down. Thank you. Colombia. Love weed. Good, good, good. Pills. For you. Good, good. Oh, yeah. - Oh, it's good in stew, yeah. - Yeah, put about in there. That's good. Oh, great. Time to get out of here. What is their struggle? It's cutting time. I can't hear you! You two should tie the knot! Hey, captain, could we get a ride with you? Just get on the plane. You bet. Oh, God, look at that. Wash off the soap. That's right. Wash it off. Look at that. Bend over. Drop the soap. Oh, tits. Good. Oh, God, I wish I was a loofah. Look at that! That's... Those muscles. Oh, I didn't know they could do that. - Excuse me, captain. - I don't want to be disturbed. Stillman! - Yes, sir? - Colonel Glass to see you, sir. I can see that, corporal. Dismissed. It's a pleasure to see you, sir. Welcome to Fort Arnold. - Let's skip the bullshit, captain. - Yes, sir. I've got a problem, and I need your help. You've heard of the EM- project? Yes, sir. It's a tank or something. - It's an urban-assault vehicle. - Of course. The Pentagon wants to unveil it for the news media next month in Italy. What General Barnicke wants from you... ...is a real crack platoon of new recruits to man the EM- . Real go-getters. We'll have them photographed putting the through its paces. "Our newest soldiers with our latest weapon." That kind of thing. Yes, sir. You can count on me, sir. You screw this up, Stillman... ...and I'll have you assigned to a weather station above the Arctic Circle. - You got that? - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Good. Attention! - I'm gonna fold. - Okay. Well, I'm still in. Cruise, how about you? Maybe I should fold. Well, let me see. Let me see first. No, not with a hand like that. Come on. Dare me. Go on, bluff me. Come on. How much should I bet? If it were me, I'd bet everything. But that's me. I'm an aggressive gambler. Mr. Vegas. Come on. Go for it. Go for it. Yes, yes, there we go. I'm in. - What do you got? - Well, I got a full house. Three threes and two sixes, that's a full house. What have you got? - Two fours, I got an ace. - You got an ace, an eight and a seven. Well, you lose. If you would've had four fours, you would've won. - You're getting good. - Starting to get the hang of it. Isn't this fun? You're pretty good for a first time, really. Attention! Fall in for muster. Move it! Move it! Ten- hut! It's come to my attention... ...that several members of the rd Platoon Bravo Company... ...left this military post without permission. I wanna know who it was. You can tell me now... ...or I got ways of finding out myself. Okay, mister... ...you just got yourself hours of scrubbing garbage cans. Step back! Now, since nobody else has got the guts... ...to admit it... ...the rest of this platoon... ...will do the next two weekends on KP. How's that sound to you, mister? I think it sucks. It's time you and me had a private talk, Winger. Step into my office. I'm getting the idea, Winger, that you don't like me. Maybe I just don't know you well enough yet, sarge. What do you say let's cut out the bullshit between you and me. - Oh, let's. - I think you're a punk. I've been in this Army years. I've seen your kind come and go. You think you know something about everything, don't you? Let me tell you something, mister. You don't know a damn thing about soldiering. Oh, it's real tough stuff. Especially that marching-in-a-straight-line business. I ain't talking about that crap! I'm talking about something important. Like discipline and duty and honour and courage. You ain't got none of it. Those words mean so much to a man who scrubs garbage cans. Look, if you don't want me in your Army, kick me out... ...but get off my back. Maybe you'd like to take a swing at me. I'd like to take a big swing at you, sarge. Well, go ahead and give it your best shot. I don't think I wanna go to the stockade. I'll take my hat off. There we are, Winger. Ain't no more drill sergeant. It's just you and me, kid, man-to-man. So go ahead, give it your best shot. Swing at me. Gutless. Punk. I'm willing to forget about this little incident. And I want you to think real hard about it. And maybe someday you'll understand what the hell I'm talking about. No. No, don't stop. Don't stop. I'll still respect you. I'll respect you even more. Just use more whipped cream. John. John. I just had the weirdest dream. John. John? If I call Anita, she has to pick me up at the train, right? I go back, get a new apartment... ...I see if I can get my cab job back. Where are you going? You going AWOL? Are you going AWOL? - No, I'm deserting. - You idiot! You desert now, it's a federal offence. - Come on. - I'll take my chances with the feds. Get up. Come on. You're not going anywhere. Now listen to me. You're gonna finish basic training... ...you're gonna keep your mouth shut and do everything he tells you. - And you know why? - Why? Because you talked me into this, that's why, you idiot! It was your idea! I didn't talk you into this. You needed this. I'm gonna kill you! Damn you! Where's the great pay? Where's the travel? Where's the Winnebago? Goddamn it! Shit! This isn't what you think. No, we're just good friends. In the jeep. Come on. Let's go. I was going to the laundry, get my uniform. Save it for later. Okay, guys, you're home. Get out. You're not gonna report this or anything, are you? I'm gonna treat it like a UFO sighting. "I saw something, but I'm not quite sure what it was." Thank you. Oh, goodbye. Move it! Do it! Why, boy... ...we got women can climb that better than you. Get up! Get on your feet! Hit it! He said he couldn't make it. Why don't you do it? Take one step back, Winger. Move it! All right, soldier, let's see how you fire that mortar. - What coordinates, sir? - Coordinates? Yes, sir. They determine where the mortar's... Soldier, the Army has spent a lot of money teaching you how to fire that. Now set it and fire it. - We don't know where the shell's... - The only way to learn is to do it! Now fire the weapon. All right! Any of you suckholes want to come up here and knock me off? Oh, shit. Incoming! Sergeant, does this mean we're through for the day? - Save your strength, sarge. - Yeah. Get him off! Get him off! Men, I realize this tragic injury to your drill sergeant is a real shock. Especially this close to the end of basic training. As far as I'm concerned, Sergeant Crocker's percent responsible... ...for the entire thing. That's not what I heard. Who said that? Pick that up! Who said that? - Did you say that? - No, sir. - Did you say that? Who said...? - I said that. Now, I don't care what you heard. My report states that Crocker was negligent in his mortar instructions... ...and totally unable to control his men. Have it your way, sir. You bet I will, soldier. I do not want to hear one more insubordinate word... ...from anyone in this platoon. The subject is closed. You'd better stop worrying about what happened to Hulka... ...and start worrying about how you're going to pass muster at graduation. You've got three days to get it together. And if you want my honest opinion... ...you're not gonna make it. No stragglers. Now come on. We owe it to Sergeant Hulka to end up face down in the gutter tonight. Hey, baby, want to come to my place? Where were you two blocks ago when we could've used you? Come on. Don't waste it. All right, we're here! Come on. It's the Pom Pom. It's famous. It's world-famous. This might be fun. Hi. Oh, amazing. I used to wrestle. There's no tables. - Here's a table. Excuse me. - Sounds good. - You wrestled, huh? Nice seats. - Yeah. Give me a kick, honey. Oh, parted my hair. Okay, girls, go get them! We're gonna start the bidding. I'm not gonna accept anything less than $ . The bidding has gotta start. Now give me . - You gotta do it for us, Ox. - I can't. - You said you used to wrestle. - I used to lose a lot. Yeah, but these are girls. They're weak and soft. - I need ! - One- sixty! One- seventy-five now! One- seventy-five here! One- eighty! - It doesn't seem fair. - Fair? Who cares about fair? The world isn't fair! Truth isn't fair! Is it fair that you were born like this? No! They're not expecting somebody like you. They're expecting some clown. You're different. You're weird. You're a mutant. You're a killer! You're a trained killer! You're a lean, mean, fighting machine! I'll do it! - All right. Give me your money. - Four hundred and thirteen bucks! My man. My big man here is gonna do it all for us... ...for $ ... - And cents. ...and cents! Four hundred thirteen dollars and cents! I'll take that right now! Ladies and gentlemen, the big event you've been waiting for. A three- round match, five- minute time limit, one pin only. And during this match there will be absolutely no biting. Cut that out! Cut that out! And no pulling of the nose. Hey, do something about this, ref! What kind of place you running here? And no kicking, ladies and gentlemen. All right, go to your neutral corners, and we will begin the match! Hey, wait a minute! Wait! Hey! Hey, just a second here! Oh, jeez! Now you done it. Beat the shit out of them, Ox! - You hit me! I'm a girl! - I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hit you! That's my man out there! My champ! Now stop it! Behind you! She's not even in the fight. Cut that out. Cut that out. You get in here. Come on. I'm a gentleman. Now stop it. All right. Okay, all right. - Thanks. - No problem. - Thanks again. - Okay, all right. - You're very competitive. - I don't wanna go back. You gotta go back. You're already dirty. Come on. All right, there you go. They got him down and they got him pinned! Bravo Company! Bravo Company! Go, man! Way to go, Ox! Kill them! - Should we? - Yeah. Let's go. We'll take care of these two. It's okay. Special assignment. Yeah, we're with them. Louise, it's so nice to see you. What are you doing here? Well, explain yourselves. Well, sir, we were... We were going to the Bingo parlour... ...at the YMCA. Well, one thing led to another... ...and the instructions got all fouled up there. - We ended up... - Shut up. Okay, sir. You men are a disgrace. Maybe a few days in the stockade... ...would help change your rotten attitude. But we're supposed to graduate tomorrow, sir. That's even better. Tomorrow you'll be on parade in front of General Barnicke. And when he sees what total fuck-ups you really are... ...I will personally recommend... ...that your whole platoon... ...repeat the entire course of basic training. Well, get out. All right, now this is the second time we've let you guys off. So let's not let it happen a third time. Is that clear? - Very clear. - Get back to your barracks, all right? - Good night. - Good night. So, what are you guys gonna do? We're gonna check out General Barnicke's house. He's in Washington. Barnicke? Barnicke?! He still owes me money. Hey, Barney! Get him! Mom! I'm home! John! - No, no. - Now, don't worry about a thing, okay? Oh, this is nice, really. Listen, if this is gonna get you in trouble, we'll leave. All right? No, it's okay. General Barnicke's gone until tomorrow morning. Good. Thank you. I feel like I'm years old in my parents' house... ...and they're away on a trip. Sixteen? Wanna play Spin the Bottle? This guy's doing pretty well. Interested? All right, you've looked at the general's refrigerator long enough. - Let's go. Come on. - Let's look at the general's cupboards. John! You know, you're very pretty... ...for a cop. - Oh, thanks a lot. No, thank you. You know what your problem is, baby? - No, I don't. - Your problem is that you're armed. You're heavily armed. Guys have trouble with girls that are armed. They don't know how to come on. Do you know the rest of your problem? Tell me. You've never had anyone give you the Aunt Jemima treatment. - No, I certainly haven't had that. - First you get up on the grill. - I'll get you up to cruising speed. - Stop it! You're sticking on the bottom, dear. Keep hopping. Keep hopping, honey! There you go. A little bit lumpy. You're a little bit lumpy. A little bit lumpy. - I'm not enjoying this! Now quit it! - You're not, huh? Maybe you need this. - What are you gonna do with that? - This. And this. Who's your friend? Who's your buddy? I am, aren't I? - You're crazy about me, aren't you? - No. You're head over heels in love with me. You're hopelessly, deeply in love with me, aren't you? Yes. I knew it. I had that feeling. Even before I picked this up. It's about time you came around. So, what do we do now? Let's go upstairs and check out the general's closets. Nice to know you can move like that when you have to. Well, it's nice to know you can make me so hot. You say the nicest things. Hold on, honey. I got a special tool for you. Come here. I can't believe we're playing this. - Okay, down on your knees. - Sounds good. All right, now the way that you play it is... ...you pretend there's a force field all around your body... ...and you try and get as close to each other as possible... ...without actually touching. - Okay? - It sounds easy. It ought to be. I think I'm good at this. Maybe. How do you win? Well, if somebody breaks your force field, then you win. - You just broke my force field. - Yeah, you win. Well, that was interesting. It's all over with now. We might as well not even show up to graduation. You white guys'll probably get five years. - But we gonna get hung. - Yeah, man. Guys! Hey! What's everybody so down about? Didn't everybody make it with a beautiful MP tonight, huh? Oh, Stillman freaked out when the MPs brought us back. If we screw up graduation, we'll have to take basics all over again. Oh, Cruise, it's been a lot of fun the first time, hasn't it? I can't handle basic training again, man. You're number one on the death list now, Winger. Take it easy, Francis... Psycho. Will you guys just relax? We got plenty of time. What time is it now? - Two a.m. - Okay, . - What time we get up? - Five a.m. . All right, we have three hours. Didn't you ever cram for a test before? I learned two semesters of geology in three hours. We can do this. We just have to practice. We've been practicing all night, and we stink. - Yeah, well, the brains have arrived. - Yeah, that's good news. We go down to the motor pool. We work on it all night. We get it together. - We can do this, right? - There's no way in hell we can do it. Right shoulder, arms! Forward, arms! Inspection, arms! Right shoulder, arms! Right face! Your left, your left, your left. Come on, rhythm. Hut, two, three, four. Black guys, help the white guys, okay? - What did he say? - He said the black guys... ...help the white guys. Come on, guys! Wait a minute! Cut it out! Stop! Hey, stupid, look at yourself! Cut it out! Cut it out! What the hell's the matter with you? Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans. With a capital A, huh? You know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers... ...were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts. - Here's proof. His nose is cold. - So is his brain. But there's no animal that's more faithful... ...that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. Who saw Old Yeller? Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end? Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure. I cried my eyes out. Yeah. So we're all dogfaces. We're all very, very different. But there is one thing that we all have in common. We were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants. There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us. We're soldiers, but we're American soldiers. We've been kicking ass for years! We're and ! Now we don't have to worry... ...about whether or not we've practiced. We don't have to worry... ...about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung. All we have to do... ...is to be the great American fighting soldier... ...that is inside each one of us. Now, do what I do... ...and say what I say... ...and make me proud. - Fall in! - Yeah! Platoon... ...ten- hut! Right shoulder, ho! Order, ho! Maybe they couldn't find the parade grounds. - It's right in front of the barracks. - That's what I mean. Eyes right! We checked the barracks, sir. They're not there. If they're not here in five minutes, I want them arrested. Hey, graduation's at : . What time is it now? Three o'clock. We've still got an hour to sleep. Oh, good. Three o'clock! We're missing it! John! John! We're missing graduation. - We're missing it. - Let's go. Wake up, man! We're missing it. Where is it? All right, let's do a little singing this morning. Oh, my God! Platoon... ...a- one, two: Where the hell have you been, soldier? - Training, sir! - Training, sir! What kind of training, son? Army training, sir! Army training, sir! Platoon, just like last night, only better! And right shoulder, ho! Order, ho! Side step right! Left flank, left! Queen Anne salute! Three, five, seven! Razzle- dazzle! Hut, two, three, four! Hut, two, three, four. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, sir! - Where's your drill sergeant, men? - Blown up, sir! Blown up, sir! Sir, these are Sergeant Hulka's men. He was injured during basic training. I see. So am I to understand that you men completed your training on your own? - That's the fact, Jack! - That's the fact, Jack! - Captain. - Yes, sir? These are exactly the kind of go-getters... ...I want working on my EM- project in Italy. - Oh, but, sir, these men... - Don't "but" me, captain. I want them on the plane tonight. Gentlemen, it's party time, Italian style! Not bad! It's great. Best bunk? Best bunk is... Best bunk, right here. - Okay, who's up for the Vatican? - No, I can't. Let's get some people and some relics, and we'll do it. What are you doing? No, get off. See, you gotta make my bunk. See, we're in Italy. The guy on the top bunk... ...has gotta make the guy on the bottom's bed all the time It's in the regulations. If we were in Germany... ...I would have to make yours. But we're in Italy, so you've gotta make mine. It's regulations. Who's gonna make the beds? Buona sera, gentlemen. It is alive. Welcome to Italy. We can forget all about the tearful reunion. There's a couple things I want to get straight with you right off the bat. I don't know what kind of shit you pulled at graduation... ...but this ain't no glamour detail we're on. I want to see you walking tall... ...Iooking good and mentally alert at all times. I'm gonna bust your butts... ...to make this the best damned outfit in the European command. Get these bunks made up! Get your gear stored! We're gonna muster in front of the motor pool at ! Got it? Hi, sarge. "Hi, sarge." Just shut up. ! As you may know, General Barnicke... ...is particularly interested in this project. He has selected this platoon for this assignment... ...and he expects you to perform particularly well. Raise it, sergeant. Gentlemen, this is the EM- Urban Assault Vehicle. A real beauty, colonel. You can count on us. Fall in! I need two volunteers. You and you. You'll guard this vehicle until on Monday morning... ...and the rest of you got the weekend off. Dismissed! - Sarge, why me? - Oh, I don't know, son. I ain't got no military reason for it, I just don't like you. Have a nice weekend. Oh, yeah. I want that so clean I could eat off the floor. This is amazing. You wouldn't believe what this thing could do. John. John. - Do you think I'm officer material? - God, I'm worried about you. Come on. I'm in good shape. I'm walking tall. I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe. Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar watching a truck. We got each other. Well, I was kind of thinking we'd get a couple companions this weekend. Too bad the girls are in Germany. We could get... ...a hotel room somewhere. - Yeah. Spend a few days eating room service. Would've been good. We could take them up in the Alps for a little spin. - No. - Oh, yeah. - No, no, no. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, no. No, John, no. - I'll drive. - Okay. We're here. Don't forget, you promised me a real expensive dinner... ...before we see this whatever it is. Right. Come with me, my dear. Now, don't forget, this is a big secret, so you can't tell anybody, okay? - Not unless they torture me. - Come on. - Official business. - May I see your identification, sir? Thank you, captain. Yeah. Just follow me. When the Army entrusts an important project like this to an officer... ...it usually means they're priming him for a major promotion. - I really think you're gonna like this. - Yeah? - Are you gonna get sick or something? - Where the fuck's my truck? Where...? Where's my truck? Hey! Hey, where's the EM- ? A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed, sir. Took it to get it washed?! Is there a bathroom around here? I gotta pee. - Hold it! - They had proper ID, sir. Do you want me to notify post security, sir? You keep your mouth shut about this. Do you understand me? And you let no one in there. No one! Not even the colonel! Yes, sir. You know, I think this guy Stillman is really dangerous. Yeah, I'm becoming aware of that, you know. Okay, let's go. Let's load that truck. Sergeant. We've traced the EM- to Germany. They're probably heading right for East Berlin. Sir, if you'll take my advice, there's a crack squad in the nd... ...that could link up with Air Recon. We'd have that EM- back here inside of hours. Nothing doing. We'd be the laughingstock... ...of the entire armed forces. We will do this ourselves. Sir, those numb-nuts can't even tie their own shoelaces. I don't care, sergeant. Just load the truck, and let's move out. All right, we're moving out! Move! I guess we're going after John and Russell. I can't believe they're Russian spies. Can you? All I know is, I finally get to kill somebody. Hey, Russell. Have you been doing your special exercises? - I brought the magic suitcase. - You did? Does this do anything for you? French girls do it all the time. No. I've seen that. I've seen that on cable TV, and it did nothing for me. Hey, watch it. A guy could get hurt. - My gosh, my gosh. - Come on, John. - Come on. - I'll do it! But just one more time. Off the low meter board. From the United States Military Academy, John Winger. He's gonna do a reverse mo-fo. A somersault up to the knees, to a butt banister... ...a backflip... ...all they way back to a double backflip. A face bounce! A double face bounce! A triple head! Oh, no! Oh, he's hurt! That does sound nice. You know, my father was here during the war. - In this bathtub? - Your ears need cleaning. Easy. Louise, what do you think of me? When we first met, I thought you were kind of screwed up. And now? I still think you're kind of screwed up, Russell... ...but you're so cute. - A face bounce... - John. ...a dismount... ...and a remount. John! How's this? How's this? - How's this for you? - Perfect. - Is this good? Is this good? - It's great. Oh, it's perfect. - What about this? How about this? - That's better. Oh, so much better. Oh, I like that. That's different. Oh, where did you learn that? Oh, where did you learn that? Oh, not yet. Please, not yet! Oh, please! I can't stop! Please! Oh, I wanted it... Oh, I'm sorry! - I can't see a thing up ahead, sir. - The turnoff is just up to the right. No, sir. If we turn right, we're gonna... Sergeant, when I want your input, I will ask for it. Thank you. For chrissakes, captain. We broke through the... This is my mission. I would appreciate if you let me run it. Thank you. Fuck this. - Where you going, sarge? - Hey, sarge, where are you going? Sarge, what are you doing? Sarge, what are you doing?! Here you go. There you go. Hand them off there, boys. Stupid jerks. Gunther, get yourself a new Volkswagen, huh? Folks, don't order the schnitzel. They're using schnauzer. Hey, Hansel, Gretel! Hey, we're your allies. It's cool. All right. All right, Klaus, hold it up right here. We got some naked animals in here we don't want you to see. Here you are. - More worthless money for you. - Come on. - All right. - Hey, did you leave the radio on? - What? - That's the shortwave radio. This is the EM- ? Mayday, mayday. Mayday. Code Status . Mayday. Code Status . Code . Go ahead. I'm with the U.S. Army, st Armoured Division, Bravo Company. I have a platoon and CO being held by hostile enemy... ... at coordinates - . They're Russian troops, about . Send help. I gotta get moving. - . That's Czechoslovakia. - Forty-first Armoured? - Yeah, Bravo Company. - That's our unit. - Oh, no. - They came looking for us. - Oh, they've had it. We've had it. If it's a Status like you said, they went in undercover. So the DOD won't even acknowledge it. Those guys are dead. - We gotta go get them. - Yeah. - No. - We're responsible. - Russell. - Come on, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick them up and we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like going into Wisconsin. I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it. - Russell, what are you afraid of? - I'm not afraid. There are two things I promised myself I'd never do: Kill and die. What if the Russians were raping your sister? Come on, you know my sister. You practically raped her one night. The Russians would just have to buy her dinner. Russell, that is our platoon out there. That's Ox and Elmo and Cruiser. I love those guys. We're their only chance. Two things, John: First of all, they hate your guts. Those bastards. Second, when I finish all my training, I'm probably gonna be a typist. Now, when you invade a hostile foreign nation... ...you don't send your typists in the first wave. They got guys who like to do that, John. Let's give them a call, okay? Okay. Yeah, we won't go in. - Okay. - Okay, let's go. Oh, my hero. Damn it, though, we're so close. I'd love to just go take a look. I mean, the Iron Curtain, it's gotta look great. I'd love to have a picture of it. Think we could do that? Take about an hour. We could drive over, get pictures and come back. - We'll just look? - Yeah. - Okay. Let's look. - Yeah, that's a much better plan. We're so damn lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria? We're trying to get over there, do some skiing. - Do you know Brandy? Hi, girls. - Excuse me. - What a darling border guard. - Is there a bathroom here? Bathroom, girls. Bathroom. There must be a bathroom here somewhere. Bathroom. Bathroom. Hi. I'm John Winger of the United States Army... ...and you are my prisoner. - Why are you doing this? Chicago. Why do we want prisoners? What do we want with prisoners? Come on, move! Do the words "act of war" mean anything to you, huh? - I have a plan. - Great. Custer had a plan too. We are in serious trouble. He said he had a plan. Now, just give him a chance. Hello, hello! What an idiot. Get in here. - All right, we're in. - Nice work, John. - What's the plan? - I'm working on it. Oh, my God, what an idiot. He's working on it. The absence of a plan is ridiculous. Hey, they're about to start shooting at us. - Good. That's fine. Let them. - It's working. - Louise, get this thing moving. - You're dangerous, you know that? Oh, this is interesting. I got it figured this way: They got one big gun, a couple of tanks. They got a hundred Baryshnikovs running around. - And what do we got? - What do we got? We got one heavily armed recreational vehicle here, man. Okay, find that truck, and we find them. - There's a gun in that tower, Russell. - I see him. All right, steady, steady. - Got him! - All right! Oh, God! Good one, Russell. - There's the truck. - Must be them. Get ready! Out, please! John, over here! - That was stupid. - Yeah. - You know who would love this? - Who? Russell. He should be here. - Russell! - Russell! Help! - Thank you. - That helped. They'd better be in there. You can beat me as much as you want! - Are you okay? - Where are they? - Hi. - Where are the others? Hello? Hello! Hello? - Hello? - Hello. - Who is it? - It's Idi Amin. - It's Winger! - We're free! It's us, Winger! Get us out! All right, stand back from the door. I'm gonna blow it. Everybody back! Everybody back! Get it. Get down. - Whoa, tough door! - You got it locked on the inside? It's because of you people that I cannot get outside! It's always your fault. You are not capable of handling... To take orders from me, who is... - Open this door, please! - I'm gonna squash him! - Winger! Oh, I'm so glad! - What are you doing here? Look out, Louise! There's a tank behind us! Move it! Find John, will you? I'm gonna kill him. We had a car waiting. Russell? Let's get out of here! We're here! John! Come on! You are in trouble! This is government property... Something's blocking the road. Hang on! Hang on! I'm getting too old for this shit! Gentlemen, we are in Germany! Platoon, ten- hut! Queen Anne salute! Get up! Thank you. It's great to be back home. My people, we're number one. All right. Ox, we got medals. Look. Valortorious Service. Thank you. What the...? A surprise party! I'll kill you. Whose idea was this? All right, everybody's coming to my place. This is ridiculous. Senator, hang onto that, will you, for me? Oh, I wrote. I didn't know if you'd come. No questions, please. We just want to get back to our hotel rooms... ...and have some really serious sex. What are you looking at? Keep your eyes out there. Oh, you old dog. Right face! Forward march! Left, left, Your left, right, left. Five, six, seven, eight. Special help by SergeiK